Tuesday, May 27, 2008

I luuv Rachel Maddow *click*, Part 3

Your call is important to us. Please stay on the line and the next available…

Thank you for holding. I’m now ready to reveal the stunning double secret probation strategery that Barack Obama will use to put the final stake into the Clinton Campaign. I will lay out how Barack will ease Hillary out of the race and shut down the Long March to Denver, the Convention and President-elect McCain. I am going to tell you what Rachel Maddow refused to hear, which is lucky for her. This long trilogy of rants (Part I and Part II) would make for a horrible week of TRS.

Senator Obama’s strategery is taken, as always, from the Greeks. Yipee! I hear you cry. Let me briefly tell you about the giant Antaeus. He was the son of Gaia aka Mother Nature, the first suffragette, hard working personification of the Earth, white personification of the Earth, and the original older, less-educated, truly rural voter. But we’re talking about her son Antaeus and his husband, former President Bill Clinton.

The giant Senator Antaeus “was in the habit of forcing strangers to wrestle with him until they were exhausted, whereupon he killed them; for not only was he/Hillary a strong and skilful athlete/candidate, but whenever he/Hillary touched the earth, his/her strength revived.” Robert Graves The Greek Myths 133.g The giant Senator also saved the skulls of her victims to roof a temple to Poseidon. Which is just mean.

Heracles met Antaeus while returning from his Eleventh Labour, The Golden Apples of the Hesperides and Maine Caucuses. Challenged to a wrestling match Heracles threw Antaeus to the ground several times. Each time he did so Antaeus (D-NY) arose stronger and more determined than ever. When they continued grappling Sen. Antaeus began to throw him/her-self down to the ground of his/her own accord. Heracles (D-IL), realizing where Antaeus was getting her supporters, lifted the giant politician into the air and slowly strangled the candidate until she left the race.

I’d like to point out that Heracles was originally was sentenced to perform Ten Labours. But due to the faint-hearted Superdelegatepeople and a couple technicalities Heracles was required to complete two more labours before he could run against a newly born John McCain.

This is Obama’s anti-Antaeus strategery. He is refusing to cast Hillary Clinton aside in order to rob her of the strength she gets from female outrage. I believe that Barack Obama will roll over and concede to every one of Hillary Clinton’s demands. He will give her all of the Florida and Michigan delegates she wants. I doubt that he’ll concede about her popular “vote” total coming out of Michigan but I think he will gladly seat delegates from two states that could be vital to winning the election in November. It robs the Clinton Campaign of any rationale to continue its fight to the Rules Committee in Denver. Even with the best possible outcome for her campaign Hillary still won’t have enough delegates to win.

How can Obama afford to be so magnanimous? How can he have the confidence to wage peace and give Hillary Clinton empty victories? Why is this not crazy? Why does it make sense? It makes sense for a reason that I suggested to Rachel Maddow in a previous phone conversation. (Yes, she takes my calls. This seems to do nothing but enrage me.)

It makes sense because Barack Obama has already won the Superdelegateperson vote in a landslide. Ever since Pat Leahy (D-Big Yap) opened his mouth, and perhaps long before then, Superdelegatepeople have been steadily declaring themselves for Obama. I agree with Rachel Maddow and David Bender, who also took my call, that political endorsements do not matter EXCEPT in one important manner.

Endorsements do matter to the MSM. Not only do they make it into the news they also shape the news. Sometimes endorsements ARE the news… in spite of the fact that they do not matter. They are a big fat juicy comfortable news peg upon which to hang your hat. They also make the Tim Russert-types feel all warm and tingly within their beltway. After all, if endorsements DIDN’T matter so much then everyone who attends the Correspondents Dinner wouldn’t matter so much. The rationale for slapping each other on the back and the butt would be much shakier. And we can’t have that.

Monday, May 26, 2008

I luuuv Rachel Maddow *click*, Part 2

...and we’re back.

As longtime listeners will recall,
Rachel Maddow hurt my feelings when she hung up on me. She takes my calls. She talks to me. But before I’ve finished sharing my th*click*

See what happened? I called into her radio show for the third time in two weeks. I know that seems weird but keep in mind that I like to pretend Rachel and I are in 4th grade together... and that we both have Mr. Robey for science class.

I didn’t get much of a chance to tell her how Barack Obama is going to prevent 
her predicted 10-day death march to May 31st. And now we find ouselves halfway-along this trails of tears. So it is five days to a deadlock that can only be resolved at the convention in Denver. Which sounds much better. It’s no longer a “weeklong death march to Colorado.” It is a “death march work week’s” My supercalifragilisticexpialidocious prediction of a shocking healing treatment remains. It will be revealed. Soon. Before the death march stumbles to a catastrophe.

Thanks to Sen. Clinton’s horrible "
gaffe" this all might be moot. But I want to put in my two nickels. That’ll teach my imaginary 4th grade classmate to hang up on me. Did you know that the intestinal track of the rat Mr. Robey dissected is longer than Jamie Fine is tall?

So...
If you are Barack Obama your first priority after you beat Hillary is to keep her voters in the Democratic fold. Fences must be mended, feathers unruffled, knickers untwisted and whatnot. According to
Rachel, me, and the lamppost, it will be far too late by the time the convention rolls around to fix any of this. June 3rd will be too late. May 31st will be too late. It is just too late now to start the healing in time for the general election.

So what do you do? Do you give up? No! To quote Hillary (and Jason Nesmith) “Never give up. Never surrender.” (Earth to Hillary: You are out of
Omega-13.)

Sen. Obama: do what you have done from the very beginning of this campaign. You do what you have done since you first announced that you were running for the office of President of the United States of America just fifteen short months ago. You do what you have done better than any other candidate in the race.

You strategize... And I know how and what you are doing.

Barack Obama has already started the healing process. It has been going on for at least two months now. That still might be too late. Hillary’s voters might sit out. They may take their ball and go home. What evidence do I have that this strategy is going on?

In late March
Sen. Pat Leahy (D-gravelly) called on Sen Clinton to drop out of the race. As far as I can recall that was the last time that any Democratic power broker even suggested that Hillary should get out of the race. (No, George McGovern does not count as a power or a broker.) That was the last time that anyone in the Democratic Party who is even close to the Obama campaign have said anything about Sen. Clinton taking her marbles and going home.

For the past two months there has been nary a peep from the party regulars about Hillary dropping out. Doesn't that strike you as strange and/or cowardly, even for Democrats? “Strange and/or Cowardly” could be the Superdelegatepeople motto. There is a reason why the Democratic Party old white men (and Nancy Pelosi) have remained silent. There is logic behind the Superdelegatepeople remaining timid. It’s not because “Silent and/or Timid” could be a Democratic Congressional bumper sticker. It is because...

It is because this is the only way to get Hillary out of the race without enraging her supporters. Nothing motivates her base more than the thought that she is getting the bum's rush out of the race. The glass ceiling. Mysogyny. These are her issues, not the Iraq War, not the economy, certainly not electability. (If anything she has been running on Obama’s supposed unelectablity.) These are the fumes that the Clinton campaign is running on. Hillary Clinton cannot count on her inevitability or her healthcare program or the gas tax. She is running on the Joe Jacobs Principle: “
We wuz robbed!

...or “We iz robbed!” A vote for Clinton in the past couple of primaries is NOT a vote against Obama. It is a vote for her to stay in the race. More accurately, it is a vote for her to NOT get out of the race. Twenty-four years after Geraldine Ferraro, eighty-eight years after the 19th Ammendment and one hundred and sixty years after Seneca Falls this motivation makes absolute sense to me. And it makes sense to Barack Obama.

Sen. Obama has kept out of Sen. Clinton’s way. It looks as if he has turned his attention to Sen. Campaign McCain and the swing states. This is actually a strategy that is geared toward Hilary supporters. It is geared toward uniting the Democratic Party. Just look at the return-to-the-scene-of-the-upset speech in Iowa

"
It’s the spirit that sent the first patriots to Lexington and Concord and led the defenders of freedom to light the way north on an Underground Railroad. It’s what sent my grandfather’s generation to beachheads in Normandy, and women to Seneca Falls, and workers to picket lines and factory fences. It’s what led all those young men and women who saw beatings and billy clubs on their television screens to leave their homes, and get on buses, and march through the streets of Selma and Montgomery – black and white, rich and poor." -- Barack Obama on the night of the Oregon and Kentucky primaries but he's in Des Moines, Iowa

African-Americans, women, labor unions, Jews --- Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you the Democratic Party!

Did you
catch all of that? Did you notice how Obama links the birth of America, the freeing of African-Americans held in bondage, his personal narrative, Women’s suffrage, the Labor movement and the traditional alliance between Jews and African-Americans. That’s the definition of healing. It is also the perfect counter-argument (without arguing) to Clinton's increasingly desperate rhetoric. He isn’t waiting for Hillary to leave the room. He’s working the room with her standing in the corner like a potted plant. A plotted plant determined to take it to the convention and married to a former President.

The Clinton campaign is gently being smothered to death. The MSM is the only thing dumb enough to tell Hillary to get out of the race. Any attempt by Obama (or anyone else) to suggest that Hillary Clinton should drop out will be met with
righteous fury by women. These are the same women who asked her how she COULD TAKE IT when the Clinton campaign was saved in New Hampshire. Obama and the Democrats can’t allow that sense of outrage to be aimed at them. They must allow the Clinton Campaign to burn itself out and make their own decision to leave. With no Democrats to rant and rail against the Clintons are reduced to railing and ranting at the media.

Running against the media might work for most Republicans, but not for Democrats, not for Hillary (and certainly not for
John McCaign.) The MSM is still distracted by the horse race between a thoroughbred and a broken-down nag. (That’s as close as I will get to a Big Brown/Eight Belles reference. And that's enough of that.) Obama is focused on merging fundraising organizations, taking over the Democratic Party, forcing the Apparatchniks into line, taking the fight to Campaign McCaign and tying him to President 27%.

How is Barack Obama able to do this? How is he able to get Hillary out of the race, wrap up the nomination, heal the party, campaign in swing states and start roping McCaign to President 27% 
all at the same time? How can he do all of this simultaneously? Is he Batman? Is there an evil genius cranking out an army of Obama-bots? What in the world will be the Mack the Knife coup de grace to this campaign? What is the very thing that I tried to tell Rachel about before she hung up on me? What is the shocker that she refused to hear?

please stay on the line for part 3 in my endless three-part monolog.

Sunday, May 25, 2008

1, 2, 3, it is over!

That’s it, Senator Clinton. You will not be the next president of the Unites States of America.

You will never be the President of the United States of America.

Your campaign is done and if you do not know it then your tin-eared campaign has gone deaf. Your last, little, tiny, miniscule, jot of a prayer of a hope of a chance of becoming the Democratic nominee has gone up in smoke. Smoke and naked ugliness.

I’m not sure that I can repeat what you said that has me so incensed. I am certain that I don’t want to address it at all. But your hateful, and that is what it is, hateful comments made to the editorial board of the South Dakota's Sioux Falls Argus-Leader cannot stand. Your words disqualify you from continuing to run for the office of President.

Your words disqualify you from any public office. Perhaps my feelings will change once they’re not boiling over but your career as an elected official should end today. If not today then in 2012 when the voters of the great state of New York will vote you out of the Senate seat once held, you so cynically observe, by Robert F. Kennedy.

I am going to bed now. I hope that I will be able to sleep I am so upset. I don’t see how you can sleep at night, especially tonight or on any other night. Perhaps in the bright light of day I will have the stomach for it. I want to, at the very least, drag your wretched apology out into the sun. Drag it out from beneath the rock where it cowers.

The faded memory of the respect and admiration I once had for you lets me give you some advice.

That advice is this: Get out of the race before you are thrown out. The last thing any of us need is you continuing on and trying to live down those words, those thoughts. They may be thoughts we have all had in the deepest, most fearful depths of our hearts. They may even be words that we have whispered to family members and close friends. But they are not words that I, that we, that anyone, should have to tolerate from any public figure.

1, 2, 3... it is over.

Saturday, May 24, 2008

Spread The Word: Doc Hopper Republican

Doc Hopper Republican
n.
1. A public figure who wears a flag pin to draw attention away from their amoral behaviour.
2. A politician or member of the media who accuses ideological opponents of being unpatriotic if they don’t wear a flag pin. 

A Doc Hopper Republican is not necessarily a member of the Republican Party or an employee of Fox “News.” The term is derived from the name of Doc Hopper, owner and CEO of the Doc Hopper’s French Fried Frogs Legs chain of fast food restaurants. The original Doc Hopper is a sweet and fast talking middle-aged white man who speaks with a Southern drawl. At first appearance he seems to be a kindly yet shrewd businessman. A closer examination reveals a cruel and ruthless capitalist who acts only in his own self-interest. Towards this end he wears a flag pin on the lapel of his white suit.

Doc Hopper Republicans are the sort of people who hide behind a well-financed public relations campaign. Using various media platforms, primarily television commercials, they present a virtuous and noble fa├žade to the general public. By tending the fires of this false issue citizens become concerned about symbols at the expense of substance. The public persona of a Doc Hopper Republican is built on lip service and empty gestures that are at a minimum irrelevant if not directly opposed to their true nature and goals. Patriotism is their first refuge.

Part of their strategy is to hire influential people in order to co-opt them into supporting their usually reactionary agenda.
Doc Hopper Republicans are the type of people who will offer an unknown but talented entertainer a salary well below market value to serve as a spokes-frog for their products. They do not take “no” for an answer. If their initial lowball offer is refused they will make attempts to force compliance by other means. Such attempts are usually secretive and may include violent and illegal acts.

Doc Hopper Republicans would have no qualms about engaging in a high-speed automobile chase with a frog and a bear in a Studebaker. (They would also chase a frog and a bear in a rainbow-coloured Studebaker.) Kidnapping, blackmail and enhanced electronic cerebrectomy are harsher methods but Doc Hopper Republicans claim they are “well within legal limits.” Even extraordinary rendition and bringing in a frog-killer from the coast have occurred in the name of patriotism. Doc Hopper Republicans seek to hide all of this behind the curtain of their flag pins.

Intellectual,
political and ideological opponents of Doc Hopper Republicans are attacked on the issue of flag pins. The contrived issue is whether or not they wear them. This simplistic and easily described tactic does more than just obfuscate the issue and distract the public. Most importantly it serves to crowd out or drown out news coverage of the actual conduct of Doc Hopper Republicans. Without the ability to become well informed the vast majority of the populace will become preoccupied with the symbolism of their society and conflate symbols with true patriotism. Flag pins worn on the lapel in this environment quite rightly become even more important.

The debate over flag pins also serves as a way to define opponents, question their patriotism and occupy their time endlessly explaining an action that has no real world consequences. The truism "When you are explaining you are losing" demonstrates the double benefit of this issue to Doc Hopper Republicans.

Flag pins remain one of a dwindling number of ways to symbolize adherence and respect for
certain traditions. There is a feedback loop between what a symbol stands for, the power of that symbol, the ability to hide one’s conduct behind that symbol, the corrosive effect of that conduct, the contraction of ways to uphold the principles embodied in the symbol and the resultant increased power of the symbol. This works to the advantage of Doc Hopper Republicans. That feedback loop simultaneously enables and empowers the Doc Hopper Republicans who hide behind the flag pins on their lapels.

"Patriotism swells in the heart of the American bear."

Friday, May 23, 2008

I luuuv Rachel Maddow *click*, Part 1

Arrrrgh! I cannot believe that you hung up on me ! (again)

Dear Dr. Maddow:
I wasn't finished. I had more to say.

I try to be concise, to be polite and let others get a chance to talk. I try to be interesting and insightful. I do this mostly so that you keep taking my calls. I like pretending that we hang out at recess and sit at the same table during lunch period. In my imagination I always give you cuts, even when it's Pizza Day.

So you can understand how much it hurt when you hung up on me. [insert your own "hung up on you" joke here. I'm going with old-school Herbie Hancock.]

I wanted to give you my prediction for the super-secret, party-unifying, M. Night Shyamalan, surprise way that Barack Obama is going to wrap up this Long March to the Democratic Nomination. I swear it wouldn't have taken up too much airtime. Cross my heart. Pinky promise.

But it is too late for that. You have struck me down and I have become more powerful than you can possibly imagine. Now I can flesh out the details. I can lay out my reasoning. I can explain why Hillary Clinton has chosen Russell Crowe over the field of Mathematical Determinacy. More on that later.

You say that the Democrats are on a ten-day suicide watch counting down to May 31st. You say that they are in danger of losing the election if it hasn't already been lost. As I've said before: I think you are mostly exactly correct. This means that I also think you are slightly inexactly incorrect. I was the first caller on your May 21st Air America Rachel Maddow Show broadcast and I tried to convince you that there was a way to short circuit this electoral electric chair. I'd like to think that I played a small part in the faint ray of hope you see in getting 90 of the Superdelegatemans and Superdelegatewomans to declare for Obama before May 31st.

It might already be too late, too self-immolated, too fercockt for (any of) the Democrats to win in November. But, unlike you, I think that Barack Obama has a strategy for what is happening. More importantly I think that he is executing that strategy even as we speak.

This strategy is so crazy that it just might work. Hillary has certainly left him no other choice.

I must say that Hillary Clinton is staying in the race for reasons that make sense to her and those around her. She is looking to take it all the way to the convention. Heck, if she doesn't win there I wouldn't be surprised if she showed up on December 15th when the electors meet for the Electoral College still insisting that she is more electable than President-elect McCain. 

All of this makes complete sense to her and is totally, totally worth it. As you've so rightly said, if what you really want is to be President of the United States -- a slim chance of becoming President (a fight at the convention) is better than no chance of becoming President." Even the phrase 'President-elect McCain' is not enough to deter you.

I have been saying something for a long time. No, not to you. At the time I started you weren't even my pretend pal on WRNX, let alone WRSI. I have been saying this: Hillary Rodham and Bill Clinton met at Yale Law School. During passionate late-night wonking sessions, fueled by uninhaled marijuana and unbaked cookies, the two of them decided that they both should be President. This was in a world before state legislatures could vote down the Equal Rights Amendment. The path to their presidency obviously went through her husband. This is why a Wellesley commencement speaker moves all the way to mid-1970s Arkansas.

At this point I would like to point out that if Hillary Rodham hadn't sacrificed her career for her husband's political ambitions Bill Clinton would be a gas station attendant today. Women of a certain age understand this to their core. They make up her base of Tammy Wynette-loyal voters.

In the thirty-three years since she moved to Fayetteville the world changed and Hillary Rodham Clinton played a significant part in that change. We now live in a world where both Clintons have a chance to be president, just like they dreamed. This is why Hillary will throw good money after bad, burn every bridge, climb every mountain, ford every stream...

I can't say that I blame her. I may resent her, despise her, and accuse her of ruining the Democratic Party's best chance in 75 years to permanently realign the American political landscape thereby handing over the Supreme Court to the wingnuts for another two generations as well as making me write very long sentences. But I won't say that I blame her.

It all makes sense in Hillaryville. It takes a village to destroy a party. In Hillary Clinton's experience there are always more time bombs ticking out there to destroy a man's candidacy. Skeletons in closets. Bimbo eruptions. Whatever. The Democratic nomination goes to the candidate with the will and the gumption to continue when everyone around them is telling them that they should quit. That is the lesson of the '92 campaign.

The lesson of the '96 campaign is that it is easy to redefine and defeat an underfunded grumpy old war hero GOP opponent. This means that if she can get the nomination she absolutely will win in November. Hillary and her larger half, Bill, know exactly how much being president is worth and they are willing to spend their own money to get it back. This ain't beanbag. This ain't Texas Hold 'Em. This ain't Florida and Michigan hold 'em. This ain't no party. This ain't no disco. This ain't no foolin' around.

This is Life During Wartime. You do whatever it takes. Whatever it takes.

Oh, and the Russell Crowe v. Mathematical Determinacy contest? Let me lay some hunky math on you. Determinacy is part of something called fancy-pants, ivory tower, very confusing mathematical set theory. Simply put: Determinacy is the study of games, whether a strategy to win a particular game exists and the significance of that strategy's existence.

Russell Crowe, on the other hand, is a rich handsome temperamental actor who won an Oscar for his portrayal of John Forbes Nash. "Of the eponymously named 'Nash Equilibrium'?" I hear you cry. Yes, that John Forbes Nash. They also made a movie of his life called A Beautiful Mind. A Nash Equilibrium is arrived at in a game when, "each player must answer negative to the question: 'Knowing the strategies of the other players , and treating the strategies of the other players as set in stone, can I benefit by changing my strategy."

Hillary Clinton is not changing her strategy. This proves the axiom: When in doubt always go with the hunky Oscar-winner.

So the question is now: What do you do if you are Barack Obama? And what is your plan for a June Surprise? I think I know.

please stay on the line for Part 2